Using “I” Statements
Say what you feel without turning it into blame
The goal of an “I” statement is not to prove that you are right or convince the other person to agree with you. The goal is to clearly communicate:
1. What is happening for you
2. Why it matters
3. What you need
A good “I” statement keeps you on your side of the conversation. You are responsible for expressing yourself clearly. The other person is responsible for what they do with that information.
THE 4-PART FORMULA
1. I FEEL...
Name the actual emotion you are experiencing.
Try:
“I feel hurt...”
“I feel worried...”
“I feel overwhelmed...”
“I feel lonely...”
“I feel frustrated...”
“I feel unimportant...”
Watch out for the “sneaky you.”
“I feel like you don’t care about me” is not really a feeling. It is a conclusion about the other person's intentions.
Instead, ask yourself: If I believe they don't care, what do I actually feel? Hurt? Lonely? Unimportant? Afraid?
2. WHEN...
Describe the specific behavior or situation that brought up the feeling.
Stick to what actually happened, not your interpretation of why it happened.
Try:
“...when I’m talking and you look at your phone.”
Instead of:
“...when you ignore me because your phone is more important.”
Avoid always, never, every time, nothing, and everything. Those words usually move the conversation away from the actual issue and into an argument about whether your statement is technically true.
3. BECAUSE...
Explain why the situation matters to you.
This is often the most important part. Instead of arguing about the behavior, you are helping the other person understand what happens inside of you because of it.
“I feel disconnected when you look at your phone while I’m talking because our time together is important to me and I want to feel like we are present with each other.”
This is where vulnerability replaces accusation.
4. I NEED / I WOULD LIKE...
Say what you would like to happen differently.
Make your request clear, specific, realistic, and actionable. Your partner should not have to guess what “do better,” “care more,” or “make me a priority” means.
Instead of:
“I need you to care more.”
Try:
“I would like us to put our phones away for 15 minutes when we reconnect after work.”
A request tells someone what they can do, not just what you want them to stop doing.
PUT IT ALL TOGETHER
I feel __________________________________________
when (specific situation or behavior) __________________________
because (why this matters to me) ______________________________
I need / I would like ________________________________________.
Example 1
Instead of:
“You never help around the house. You leave me to do everything!”
Try:
“I feel overwhelmed when the kitchen is left messy after dinner because waking up to unfinished chores makes me feel like I’m already behind before my day starts. I would like us to come up with a way to split the evening cleanup.”
Example 2
Instead of:
“You don’t care about what I’m saying. You’re always on your phone.”
Try:
“I feel disconnected when you look at your phone while I’m telling you about my day because that time together matters to me. I would love for us to put our phones away for 15 minutes while we catch up.”
BEFORE YOU SAY IT, CHECK YOURSELF
Ask yourself:
Am I naming my feeling, or accusing the other person?
Am I describing what happened, or telling them why I think they did it?
Am I talking about this situation, or bringing in every similar thing that has ever happened?
Have I explained why this matters to me?
Have I clearly said what I need instead?
Can I say this without sarcasm, yelling, or trying to force a particular response?
Remember: an “I” statement is not a nicer way to say a “you” statement.
“I feel like you are selfish” is still an accusation.
“I feel hurt and unimportant when plans change without talking to me first because I want to feel considered in decisions that affect both of us. I would like us to check in with each other before changing shared plans.”
That is an “I” statement.
ONE MORE RULE: TIMING MATTERS
Good communication is much harder when your nervous system is already overloaded.
Use HALT as a quick check:
H — Hungry
A — Angry
L — Lonely
T — Tired
If you are too activated to speak clearly or listen to the response, the conversation probably does not need to happen right this second.
The goal is not to avoid the conversation. The goal is to have it when you have a better chance of actually hearing each other.
