The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Therapist’s Review

By Desiree Evans, LCMHC

Introduction

Many couples assume that a good relationship should feel natural most of the time. When conflict becomes repetitive, they may conclude that they chose the wrong person or that the relationship is failing. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman and Nan Silver offers a different view: strong relationships are shaped by repeated habits of attention, friendship, repair, and responsiveness.

The book draws from Gottman’s long-running research on couples and translates that work into exercises readers can try at home. Its greatest strength is that it focuses not only on how couples argue, but also on the quality of the friendship underneath the conflict.

What the book gets right

The book helps couples notice that relationship health is built in ordinary moments. Knowing what is happening in a partner’s internal world, expressing fondness, responding to bids for connection, and repairing after tension may matter more than producing a perfect solution to every disagreement.

It also normalizes the fact that some problems are not fully solvable. Differences in temperament, priorities, family history, culture, money, parenting, intimacy, and daily habits may continue to appear. The goal is not necessarily to eliminate every difference. It is to develop a way of discussing those differences that protects dignity and connection.

The practical exercises make the material accessible. Couples can identify strengths, examine patterns, and create small changes without waiting for a crisis.

What deserves a closer look

No relationship model fits every couple in the same way. Communication is shaped by culture, neurodivergence, trauma history, race, gender expectations, disability, and power. A behavior that looks like withdrawal, for example, may reflect emotional flooding, fear, sensory overload, or a learned strategy for staying safe.

The tools also require a basic level of goodwill and safety. Relationship exercises are not an appropriate response to coercive control, intimidation, or abuse. In those situations, the priority is safety and individualized support—not improving communication between partners.

Some couples may use the principles as another way to grade themselves. The material works better as a guide for curiosity than as a test of whether a relationship is good enough.

Who may find this book helpful

This book may be useful for couples who feel more like coworkers than partners, repeat the same argument, struggle to recover after conflict, or want to strengthen a relationship before problems become severe. It can also be helpful for couples who prefer concrete exercises and observable behaviors.

Partners do not have to agree with every concept. Reading a chapter together and discussing what fits can be more useful than trying to complete the book perfectly.

Questions to consider while reading

How well do you currently understand what is occupying your partner’s emotional world?

What small bids for attention or connection do each of you make? How are those bids usually answered?

What helps each of you recover after an argument?

Which recurring disagreement may need respectful management rather than a final solution?

How these ideas connect to therapy

A book can help a couple name what is happening. Therapy can slow the interaction down enough to understand why the pattern has become so difficult to change. The goal is not to decide which partner is the problem, but to help both people recognize the cycle and practice something different together.

If you are caught in the same argument or want to rebuild connection, learn more about online couples therapy in North Carolina or request a free 15-minute consultation.

About the author

Desiree Evans, LCMHC, provides online individual and couples therapy and adult ADHD and autism assessments throughout North Carolina.